Healthy Boundaries
Many of us have a hard time setting boundaries with others. We want to help those around us who feel a need to please, or don’t realize that we have a right to set boundaries. Personal boundaries are essential in order to protect ourselves and have healthy relationships.
Healthy Boundaries:
Understanding When and How to set Boundaries
Katie Laird, MC (R. Psych)
Many of us have a hard time setting boundaries with others. We want to help those around us who feel a need to please, or don’t realize that we have a right to set boundaries. Personal boundaries are essential in order to protect ourselves and have healthy relationships.
Healthy boundaries are the guidelines, rules, or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe, and acceptable ways for other people to behave towards them. (outofthefog.net)
What are signs that you need to set a boundary?
- Listen to your body; you may have a physical reaction such as increased heart rate, sweating, tightness in your chest, stomach or throat.
- Tune into your feelings; you may feel resentful, uncomfortable, hurt, annoyed, or angry most of the time because you feel taken advantage of.
- Burnout: Feeling burnt out because your time may be spent on others’ priorities instead of your own.
- Not sure where to draw the line: Sometimes there may be a lack of an appropriate emotional response when a boundary is crossed for all kinds of reasons, such as inappropriate familial boundaries growing up or being quick to justify others’ actions. It can be helpful to ask yourself ‘Would I think it was acceptable if this happened to a friend of mine?’
- Others have told you to consider boundaries: If several of your loved ones express concern or take issue with how you are being treated, listen with an open mind.
Remind yourself of your rights with others and yourself. Judith Belmont, mental health author and licensed psychotherapist offers the following guidelines of your basic rights:
- I have a right to say no without feeling guilty.
- I have a right to be treated with respect.
- I have a right to make my needs as important as others.
- I have a right to be accepting of my mistakes and failures.
- I have a right not to meet others’ unreasonable expectations of me.
How to be Assertive;
I feel __________ when ____________ because _____________. What I need is ______________.
“Not everyone will understand your journey. That’s okay. It’s not their journey. It’s yours. Embrace your freedom.” – Kristen Butler, CEO and Founder of Power of Positivity.
If you struggle with boundaries, talking with a counsellor can really help. Feel free to book a complimentary 20 minute consultation or appointment with one of our
psychologists today!
Not at all. Everyone needs help sometimes. You may have had some skills or strengths that you’ve used to deal with challenges before, but for whatever reason, those aren’t working right now. Perhaps what you are dealing with right now feels overwhelming and you are unable to access your past strengths. Through your relationship with your counsellor and the process of therapy, you can explore the challenges you are facing and find your inner strength or develop new skills and strategies to find healing.
The difference is between someone who can do something and someone who has the training and experience to do that same thing professionally. A mental health professional can help you approach your situation in a new way– teach you new skills, gain different perspectives, listen to you without judgment or expectations, and help you listen to yourself. Furthermore, therapy is completely confidential. You won’t have to worry about others “knowing my business.” Lastly, if your situation provokes a great deal of negative emotion, if you’ve been confiding in a friend or family member, there is the risk that once you are feeling better you could start avoiding that person so you aren’t reminded of this difficult time in your life.
If you both wish to address concerns and improve your relationship you should try couples counselling. As part of the strategy to help you build your relationship, we may meet with each of you individually throughout the process. And of course, if either of you wishes to do some exploration of issues on your own, outside of your relationship framework, we are available to help you find mental wellness in every aspect of your life.
Please note - if your therapist recommends individual therapy in addition to couples work, there's a chance they may not be able to see one (or both) of you due to privacy and consent. Our team is able to help navigate you through that and fit you with an appropriate therapist.
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